Life rarely goes quite the way we expect, but once in a while there is an unexpected dip in our road and we suddenly find ourselves in a deep valley or a dark wood – some frightening place we never expected to see. That is how it was with me. Shortly before my 21st birthday I became ill and instantly life changed. So much of what I had filled my life with became impossible for me due to my pain, but that bright and sunny Spring day was only the beginning. A month later a new symptom, new pain in a new, place; two months, it spread, again; three months, it struck again; and again something new would happen. I was caught in a downward spiral as powerless to stop this unwelcome guest invading my body as the numerous medical people we consulted. No one had any answers. I have retained the ability to use my all of my body throughout but that use has been severely limited because of my pain and fatigue. So I got a good hard look early in life at the black hole people call illness and I do not think I will ever be quite the same.
There are so very many things that are hard about illness; constant pain, forced inactivity, fear, haunting whys, boredom, helpless doctors, hurting loved ones, deep loneliness. Yet for each one of these trials God has a beautiful lesson, a jewel buried in the rock of pain and He wants us to mine it out. He knows that the joy of holding such a gem, of learning such a truth, far out weighs the pain. He also knows, and we soon also learn, that after spending some time in this valley, this wood, this illness, with HIM, we change. It is a beautiful change the collecting of lessons, this enduring of trials brings, and it is one we would never trade for all the mountains and sunlight in the world.
In Exodus 19:4 the Lord describes one of Israel’s hard journeys and this is what he says. “You have seen what I did to the Egyptians and how I carried you on eagle’s wings and brought you to Me.” Now when I read that I had to laugh at how different our perspective is from God’s. Riding on eagles wings sounds like an exhilarating experience but I would not use that word in describing Israel’s long journey to freedom in Egypt. There was sweat and blood and tears in that experience, sound like anything you’ve had to go through? But God calls that eagles wings. Eagle wings, how beautiful, and you know what else; He was using all of that to bring them to Himself! Is there any better place to be? Would we really and truly rather have our health than be brought close to a living and loving God?
Eagle’s wings come in many forms not just illness which is why I hope that while I write mostly with those who are ill in mind, others of you who are experiencing a different kind of pain will also join us here. I just recently passed the one year mark. Some things have changed many have remained the same. One whole, great, long, year of being ill, one, whole, GREAT, long, year of being carried to God on eagles wings. This blog is not about me or my illness. It is about the lessons I have learned walking through my valley, my dark wood, my moonlight. The details of my personal pain are only important in how they help to explain the glimpses of God I have been given in it. I am starting this blog because I have a strong desire to record what God has shown me through this time, to explain it, think through it, and never, never forget it, and I have a small hope that it may be of comfort or encouragement to you.
A note for those of you who know me, what I post will not always reflect how I am doing. I will be going back and remembering old lessons as well as sharing new, and I will be taking sometimes a general approach to illness and so every symptom I mention may not be one of mine. However I can assure all my readers that what is written here comes from my heart and reflects my very real journey, else I could not write.
Thank you for reading. If any of you are blessed by what I write know that it is only by God’s grace. I am a very small vessel of His but I am so thankful that He uses small and yes broken and battered vessels. My heart goes out to each of you as you travel on sometimes painful wings. I pray you are able to gather gold along the way and when things seem too black look up to your destination. That is really all that matters.
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