thoughts. The irony of what I was praying hit me. What a bizarre thing to even
think let alone pray. After several months of this illness I had had more than
enough physically. I certainly was not interested in an extended period of pain or
weakness or limitations. Yet here I found myself talking to God and saying to Him
the opposite of what I had been saying for the last several months. Asking for
what made the least sense, and meaning it.
Why? How could I really want that? Well I had come to a deep understanding in
those many weeks of just how much this time of pain was worth. I had begun to
see God working in my life through this trial and it was getting a bit exciting. I had
experienced small changes already; a difference in the way I saw things, adjustments in my thinking, and greater understanding of what is really important, a little less
self focus, but we had only scratched the surface! I felt these lessons needed so
much more time to sink in to really transform me and I saw the potential for so
much more goodness in this valley. I was afraid lest I suddenly get better before I
had gotten all God had for me out of this time. Afraid of this trial being short
enough that the lessons I had encountered would only be skin deep and quickly
fade in the sunshine of healing. I was afraid of exiting this illness the same person
who began it.
I laugh now over my fears of my health returning too quickly as many months
later there is still no end in sight. I need not have worried. Still even as I write
unsettledness comes over me due in part to this same fear. I still do not want to
leave this illness unchanged. I still worry that I may in good health soon forget
what it is like to be ill, loose some of my empathy, become more hard hearted,
forget my lessons. Do I still pray that God won’t heal me yet? No…no. I purpose
to seek Him more in this time, ask Him to not let me miss anything, pray that I will
retain all He has shown me, but then I chose to rest in Him. If there is one thing
I’ve learned through life experiences about God it is that He always puts me in the
right place at the right time with the right lessons and the perfect revelations - as
I’m seeking Him and often even when I’m not. He is just like that. When I follow
Him He’s faithful, when I wander He sends me a booming thunderclap, just loud
enough to send me scurrying back into His outstretched arms like a small
frightened child. I am not able to change on my own. I am not able to ensure I
stay changed. I am certainly not able to heal myself or keep myself ill so really I
have no alternative but to trust Him, that or worry. The good thing is I not only
have to trust Him I can trust Him. Sometimes we put a little too much emphasize
on our own roll in our lives and not enough on His. Trust Him for the perfect
length in your illness and trust Him also to help you with your spiritual lessons.
God is in the business of transforming His children into His likeness and He is
more than able to achieve it!
“I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6
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