Every search for health has periods of waiting and very often some of those waiting periods bring you face to face with a brick wall. I was in one of those times and beginning to feel a little desperate. During all my other waiting periods up to this point things had still been happening, just slowly. Wheels were turning, behind the scene stuff was getting done, but now the ball was in our court and we seemed to have no where to send it.
Then God moved through another member of the body of Christ. A doctor made an exception for me and I had an appointment with a specialist. Sitting there hearing the news I wanted to cry. A month seemed an eternity to wait but finally we could once again see ahead of us.
Maybe it was the long wait, maybe it was the fact that this doctor specialized in problems like mine, but for whatever reason I started hanging a lot on this appointment. “If anyone could help me this doctor can” I thought “and if no one can help me…well we won’t go there.” What I was doing did not dawn on me however until I was sitting there one day and thought to myself “this doctor is my last hope” All of a sudden my internal radar went off. “Wait a minute Rachel what did you just say?! This person is your last hope?? Since when do you place your hope in people anyway? And last hope - please! No human being should ever be your last hope. Who are you trusting anyway? Can this doctor heal you? Or if he has no options do you think God has run out of options too? Where are you putting God in your life anyway?” It was a little shocking to realize where I had wandered to, but it is easy to do isn’t it?
We spend so much time going to doctors, asking questions of medical people, taking the advice of specialists, that we sometimes forget - not only are they very human and fallible, they also can not heal us. Only God can do that. Desperation in our journey towards health comes when we leave God out of the picture and start trusting solely in man’s devises. Take heart God is able to heal with a doctor or with out, using medicine, using food, or using only His holy Spirit. No person on earth is ever your last hope. God is your last hope and with Him who needs any other?
It was a good thing God called me on my wrong thinking because this doctor visit ended up being a flop. As disheartening as that was though I came out of there knowing that even if the doctor did not know what was wrong with me God does and He does not need a person to bring me back to health.
Make sure you are looking beyond the people in your life to God Almighty in your illness. Let Him be your hope because only He will never disappoint.
“Why am I so depressed? Why this turmoil within me? Put your hope in God, for I will still praise Him, My Savior and my God” Psalm 42:11
“…I will put my hope in Your name for it is good.” Psalm 52:9
Monday, September 23, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
jealousy
“Why do I get to be stuck here in illness while all of my friends move on with life?"
“Why do I get such a lions share of trials when so and so’s life goes along like a song?”
“Doesn’t God have anything for me to do?”
“Couldn’t He give me that kind of miracle?”
Okay so I’ve been doing a little procrastinating on this one. It’s not the most pleasant topic in the world after all and then the truth is I personally have far from mastered the right thoughts and attitudes. Still, ugly as it may be jealousy is an important topic related to illness and so I need to address it, both on this blog and in my own heart.
Jealousy: it is one of those sins that creeps up on you. There you are seemingly minding your own business and then all of a sudden it jumps out and shouts boo! Startled you turn to see it’s ugly face leering at you. “Go away!” you exclaim but it only laughs, because it knows what you don’t - that you are the one who sent the invitation.
Jealousy appears to materialize out of nothing but I think we all know sin better than to believe that. Yes, sometimes those ugly little thoughts pop up with no specific forethought in that direction but there IS a prelude to jealousy and it is called ‘me-focus’. Stop and think about it. If our hearts and minds were directed completely upward and outward jealousy would have no power over us. We would have no time to feel sorry for ourselves or listen to whiny thoughts about why she gets that and I get this because we would be too busy trusting God and rejoicing over others gifts. Me-focus is a hard thing and something I will probably talk about in a later blog post. For now just take some time to soak in this idea of a link between self-centeredness and jealousy. Sometimes we have such a hard time shaking jealousy off our trail because we spend all our effort in plugging our ears and never look behind his lies to see that we are guilty of placing ourselves at the center of our life.
Another step in the spiritual war against jealousy comes when we realize that every jealous thought is a declaration that God is not good. Analyze some of your most prevalent jealousies and I think you will see it. It in essence says “God, what you have given me is not good enough, it is not fair, or kind, or loving - I need something more”. All through the Bible however we are told that not only does God give us everything we need He is Love and Goodness and Justice. When we see our sin in this light we have two options; continue living out blasphemy against God, or reject those thoughts and feelings on this holy ground - I KNOW that my God is love.
When I first noticed this sin’s hold in my life I began to come across scriptures about jealousy and the truth gave me a greater hate for my sin and helped me stay earnest and real in my fight against it. I want to share some of those verses with you now.
“…For love is as strong as death, Jealousy as cruel as the grave;…” Song of Solomon 8:6
“A tranquil heart is life to the body, but jealousy is rottenness to the bones." Proverbs 14:30
“Fury is cruel, and anger is a flood but who can withstand jealousy?" Proverbs 27;4
Knowing my own heart these verses stung and helped me stay serious in my resisting this sin and my prayers to God against it. We truly do need God’s help when it comes to Jealousy. It is a fast growing weed and sends down deep and spiraling roots into our hearts. Thanks be to God! He is able to cleanse us and free us from its clutches.
This has been a pretty straight forward and blunt post thus far. I have written this way both because of my awareness of my own personal need for truth in this area and also because of the very severe way God speaks about jealousy in His word. However I can not end this post with out a small shift in direction.
You see I do know how hard it is to be left behind. To have to sit on the road of life and watch everyone else run past you on to greater and more glorious things, disappearing in a cloud of dust. Dust tastes bitter on the detours of life. I know the pain of being jealous because my hands are now too weak to give and minister and love. Wanting to serve here and there but knowing it must wait indefinitely. There is a deep pain in being forced to lay aside all hopes and dreams and to be left with a seemingly blank future. Feeling your own undesireableness because of your physical weakness. Yes I know and I am not the only one who knows. God knows. He does not know in an impersonal way. Our Father does not just look down from heaven and ’know’ our thoughts. He abides in us, He walks beside us, and He loves us with an everlasting love. Just like a mother’s heart aches when her children are hurt so God's heart also aches for you. Your pain hurts Him, your grief moves Him, your tears find Him. In anger you may then cry out “if that is true then why doesn’t He take the reason for my pain away?”. The best answer I have for that is summed up in these words I once heard. ‘If I had the power of God I would change my circumstances. If I had the wisdom of God I wouldn’t’ Don’t be afraid to tell God what you wish you had, humbly and with tears. He knows that we are but dust and He will never despise a broken spirit. Let Him help you as you struggle with this sin. Revel and rest in His enormous compassion. Never forget that He cares about your tears - not because they are all shed for righteous reasons- but because He loves you.
“You Yourself have recorded my wandering. Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your records?” Psalm 56:8
“When the Lord saw her He had compassion on her and said, ‘Don’t cry.’ Luke 7:13
“…I pray that you, being rooted and firmly established in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the length and width, height and depth of God’s love, and to know the Messiah’s love that surpasses knowledge, so you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:17-19
“Why do I get such a lions share of trials when so and so’s life goes along like a song?”
“Doesn’t God have anything for me to do?”
“Couldn’t He give me that kind of miracle?”
Okay so I’ve been doing a little procrastinating on this one. It’s not the most pleasant topic in the world after all and then the truth is I personally have far from mastered the right thoughts and attitudes. Still, ugly as it may be jealousy is an important topic related to illness and so I need to address it, both on this blog and in my own heart.
Jealousy: it is one of those sins that creeps up on you. There you are seemingly minding your own business and then all of a sudden it jumps out and shouts boo! Startled you turn to see it’s ugly face leering at you. “Go away!” you exclaim but it only laughs, because it knows what you don’t - that you are the one who sent the invitation.
Jealousy appears to materialize out of nothing but I think we all know sin better than to believe that. Yes, sometimes those ugly little thoughts pop up with no specific forethought in that direction but there IS a prelude to jealousy and it is called ‘me-focus’. Stop and think about it. If our hearts and minds were directed completely upward and outward jealousy would have no power over us. We would have no time to feel sorry for ourselves or listen to whiny thoughts about why she gets that and I get this because we would be too busy trusting God and rejoicing over others gifts. Me-focus is a hard thing and something I will probably talk about in a later blog post. For now just take some time to soak in this idea of a link between self-centeredness and jealousy. Sometimes we have such a hard time shaking jealousy off our trail because we spend all our effort in plugging our ears and never look behind his lies to see that we are guilty of placing ourselves at the center of our life.
Another step in the spiritual war against jealousy comes when we realize that every jealous thought is a declaration that God is not good. Analyze some of your most prevalent jealousies and I think you will see it. It in essence says “God, what you have given me is not good enough, it is not fair, or kind, or loving - I need something more”. All through the Bible however we are told that not only does God give us everything we need He is Love and Goodness and Justice. When we see our sin in this light we have two options; continue living out blasphemy against God, or reject those thoughts and feelings on this holy ground - I KNOW that my God is love.
When I first noticed this sin’s hold in my life I began to come across scriptures about jealousy and the truth gave me a greater hate for my sin and helped me stay earnest and real in my fight against it. I want to share some of those verses with you now.
“…For love is as strong as death, Jealousy as cruel as the grave;…” Song of Solomon 8:6
“A tranquil heart is life to the body, but jealousy is rottenness to the bones." Proverbs 14:30
“Fury is cruel, and anger is a flood but who can withstand jealousy?" Proverbs 27;4
Knowing my own heart these verses stung and helped me stay serious in my resisting this sin and my prayers to God against it. We truly do need God’s help when it comes to Jealousy. It is a fast growing weed and sends down deep and spiraling roots into our hearts. Thanks be to God! He is able to cleanse us and free us from its clutches.
This has been a pretty straight forward and blunt post thus far. I have written this way both because of my awareness of my own personal need for truth in this area and also because of the very severe way God speaks about jealousy in His word. However I can not end this post with out a small shift in direction.
You see I do know how hard it is to be left behind. To have to sit on the road of life and watch everyone else run past you on to greater and more glorious things, disappearing in a cloud of dust. Dust tastes bitter on the detours of life. I know the pain of being jealous because my hands are now too weak to give and minister and love. Wanting to serve here and there but knowing it must wait indefinitely. There is a deep pain in being forced to lay aside all hopes and dreams and to be left with a seemingly blank future. Feeling your own undesireableness because of your physical weakness. Yes I know and I am not the only one who knows. God knows. He does not know in an impersonal way. Our Father does not just look down from heaven and ’know’ our thoughts. He abides in us, He walks beside us, and He loves us with an everlasting love. Just like a mother’s heart aches when her children are hurt so God's heart also aches for you. Your pain hurts Him, your grief moves Him, your tears find Him. In anger you may then cry out “if that is true then why doesn’t He take the reason for my pain away?”. The best answer I have for that is summed up in these words I once heard. ‘If I had the power of God I would change my circumstances. If I had the wisdom of God I wouldn’t’ Don’t be afraid to tell God what you wish you had, humbly and with tears. He knows that we are but dust and He will never despise a broken spirit. Let Him help you as you struggle with this sin. Revel and rest in His enormous compassion. Never forget that He cares about your tears - not because they are all shed for righteous reasons- but because He loves you.
“You Yourself have recorded my wandering. Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your records?” Psalm 56:8
“When the Lord saw her He had compassion on her and said, ‘Don’t cry.’ Luke 7:13
“…I pray that you, being rooted and firmly established in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the length and width, height and depth of God’s love, and to know the Messiah’s love that surpasses knowledge, so you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” Ephesians 3:17-19
Thursday, September 5, 2013
don't heal me...yet
"Don’t heal me …yet" I found myself whispering in the quiet stillness of my
thoughts. The irony of what I was praying hit me. What a bizarre thing to even
think let alone pray. After several months of this illness I had had more than
enough physically. I certainly was not interested in an extended period of pain or
weakness or limitations. Yet here I found myself talking to God and saying to Him
the opposite of what I had been saying for the last several months. Asking for
what made the least sense, and meaning it.
Why? How could I really want that? Well I had come to a deep understanding in
those many weeks of just how much this time of pain was worth. I had begun to
see God working in my life through this trial and it was getting a bit exciting. I had
experienced small changes already; a difference in the way I saw things, adjustments in my thinking, and greater understanding of what is really important, a little less
self focus, but we had only scratched the surface! I felt these lessons needed so
much more time to sink in to really transform me and I saw the potential for so
much more goodness in this valley. I was afraid lest I suddenly get better before I
had gotten all God had for me out of this time. Afraid of this trial being short
enough that the lessons I had encountered would only be skin deep and quickly
fade in the sunshine of healing. I was afraid of exiting this illness the same person
who began it.
I laugh now over my fears of my health returning too quickly as many months
later there is still no end in sight. I need not have worried. Still even as I write
unsettledness comes over me due in part to this same fear. I still do not want to
leave this illness unchanged. I still worry that I may in good health soon forget
what it is like to be ill, loose some of my empathy, become more hard hearted,
forget my lessons. Do I still pray that God won’t heal me yet? No…no. I purpose
to seek Him more in this time, ask Him to not let me miss anything, pray that I will
retain all He has shown me, but then I chose to rest in Him. If there is one thing
I’ve learned through life experiences about God it is that He always puts me in the
right place at the right time with the right lessons and the perfect revelations - as
I’m seeking Him and often even when I’m not. He is just like that. When I follow
Him He’s faithful, when I wander He sends me a booming thunderclap, just loud
enough to send me scurrying back into His outstretched arms like a small
frightened child. I am not able to change on my own. I am not able to ensure I
stay changed. I am certainly not able to heal myself or keep myself ill so really I
have no alternative but to trust Him, that or worry. The good thing is I not only
have to trust Him I can trust Him. Sometimes we put a little too much emphasize
on our own roll in our lives and not enough on His. Trust Him for the perfect
length in your illness and trust Him also to help you with your spiritual lessons.
God is in the business of transforming His children into His likeness and He is
more than able to achieve it!
“I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6
thoughts. The irony of what I was praying hit me. What a bizarre thing to even
think let alone pray. After several months of this illness I had had more than
enough physically. I certainly was not interested in an extended period of pain or
weakness or limitations. Yet here I found myself talking to God and saying to Him
the opposite of what I had been saying for the last several months. Asking for
what made the least sense, and meaning it.
Why? How could I really want that? Well I had come to a deep understanding in
those many weeks of just how much this time of pain was worth. I had begun to
see God working in my life through this trial and it was getting a bit exciting. I had
experienced small changes already; a difference in the way I saw things, adjustments in my thinking, and greater understanding of what is really important, a little less
self focus, but we had only scratched the surface! I felt these lessons needed so
much more time to sink in to really transform me and I saw the potential for so
much more goodness in this valley. I was afraid lest I suddenly get better before I
had gotten all God had for me out of this time. Afraid of this trial being short
enough that the lessons I had encountered would only be skin deep and quickly
fade in the sunshine of healing. I was afraid of exiting this illness the same person
who began it.
I laugh now over my fears of my health returning too quickly as many months
later there is still no end in sight. I need not have worried. Still even as I write
unsettledness comes over me due in part to this same fear. I still do not want to
leave this illness unchanged. I still worry that I may in good health soon forget
what it is like to be ill, loose some of my empathy, become more hard hearted,
forget my lessons. Do I still pray that God won’t heal me yet? No…no. I purpose
to seek Him more in this time, ask Him to not let me miss anything, pray that I will
retain all He has shown me, but then I chose to rest in Him. If there is one thing
I’ve learned through life experiences about God it is that He always puts me in the
right place at the right time with the right lessons and the perfect revelations - as
I’m seeking Him and often even when I’m not. He is just like that. When I follow
Him He’s faithful, when I wander He sends me a booming thunderclap, just loud
enough to send me scurrying back into His outstretched arms like a small
frightened child. I am not able to change on my own. I am not able to ensure I
stay changed. I am certainly not able to heal myself or keep myself ill so really I
have no alternative but to trust Him, that or worry. The good thing is I not only
have to trust Him I can trust Him. Sometimes we put a little too much emphasize
on our own roll in our lives and not enough on His. Trust Him for the perfect
length in your illness and trust Him also to help you with your spiritual lessons.
God is in the business of transforming His children into His likeness and He is
more than able to achieve it!
“I am sure of this, that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6
Thursday, August 29, 2013
counting the little things
I keep a notebook where I write down God’s gifts to me. Sometimes they are little things, a rainbow tucked in the clouds, a letter in the mail, or a much needed cup of tea. Other times my gifts are on a much deeper level, a doctor visit, a friendship restored, or the opening of my eyes to a part of God’s character I had never seen before.
I can not tell you how beautiful my life looks through the lenses of these recorded gifts. The notebook is really my history over the past year or so and how much I love my life after reading just a little bit of it. How much I love God. It’s funny, I know that some of the portions in this book were written through very tough times. There is a hint of that bitter sweetness in the pages, but the joy there by far out weighs it. I promise, by far. It is so interesting to see how the pain has faded and no longer stings but the joy, ah it remains as fresh and radiant as when the ink was still wet on the paper.
Often when we are ill the world looks very bleak and our lives brim over with dryness and pain. There is nothing cheerful to write to those friends who urge us in their emails to tell them about ourselves. There is nothing hopeful to report to our family when they call. It is hard some days to see God’s many gifts to us because we remember too keenly the ones He has allowed to depart from us for a time. No matter how hard it is though we must look and search for the gifts anyway for who can live with out joy and hope? and that is truly what this cultivates in our hearts. No matter how many bad things are in our lives I assure you there are beautiful things to be found too.
There is always something to rejoice over, even if it seems a bitter thing to be glad about. I have found myself truly grateful for the most unusual things while in this valley of mine. Thankful for almost passing out one time, excited about a doctor visit, glad to have my blood drawn, so grateful as a new symptom sets in that it has not plagued me before now. Does this seem to good and syrupy to be true? finding God’s gifts among ‘bad’ things. I must admit I am the most amazed of anyone, because I have not forced myself or just pretended to be grateful for these things, I truly am! God has truly made me glad, and what a deep and abiding gladness there is when we recognize His very vigilant care for us.
How many times a day does God whisper ‘I love you’ to us? How many of those times do we not even hear? How sad to miss even one of those precious gifts, and we have no one to blame but ourselves. So my challenge to you? Start listening and start recording. I think you will be amazed as I have been, once you purposefully open your eyes, at how very much God is giving you every single day. Yes, even through the pain, yes, even through the tears. That’s what is so great about God’s love - not even our earthly trials can dim or cheapen in. They only bring it into focus
I can not tell you how beautiful my life looks through the lenses of these recorded gifts. The notebook is really my history over the past year or so and how much I love my life after reading just a little bit of it. How much I love God. It’s funny, I know that some of the portions in this book were written through very tough times. There is a hint of that bitter sweetness in the pages, but the joy there by far out weighs it. I promise, by far. It is so interesting to see how the pain has faded and no longer stings but the joy, ah it remains as fresh and radiant as when the ink was still wet on the paper.
Often when we are ill the world looks very bleak and our lives brim over with dryness and pain. There is nothing cheerful to write to those friends who urge us in their emails to tell them about ourselves. There is nothing hopeful to report to our family when they call. It is hard some days to see God’s many gifts to us because we remember too keenly the ones He has allowed to depart from us for a time. No matter how hard it is though we must look and search for the gifts anyway for who can live with out joy and hope? and that is truly what this cultivates in our hearts. No matter how many bad things are in our lives I assure you there are beautiful things to be found too.
There is always something to rejoice over, even if it seems a bitter thing to be glad about. I have found myself truly grateful for the most unusual things while in this valley of mine. Thankful for almost passing out one time, excited about a doctor visit, glad to have my blood drawn, so grateful as a new symptom sets in that it has not plagued me before now. Does this seem to good and syrupy to be true? finding God’s gifts among ‘bad’ things. I must admit I am the most amazed of anyone, because I have not forced myself or just pretended to be grateful for these things, I truly am! God has truly made me glad, and what a deep and abiding gladness there is when we recognize His very vigilant care for us.
How many times a day does God whisper ‘I love you’ to us? How many of those times do we not even hear? How sad to miss even one of those precious gifts, and we have no one to blame but ourselves. So my challenge to you? Start listening and start recording. I think you will be amazed as I have been, once you purposefully open your eyes, at how very much God is giving you every single day. Yes, even through the pain, yes, even through the tears. That’s what is so great about God’s love - not even our earthly trials can dim or cheapen in. They only bring it into focus
Monday, August 19, 2013
hearing hearts
One of the most precious things about this illness has been the opportunity to hear people pray for me. In the face of real problems and pain the masks come off. No more trite words and glib phrases. Prayers become distinct, one of a kind, obviously offered for me from someone who knows me and who also knows pain. People who you never guessed cared imploring God on your behalf. Friends -you never knew how deep their burden for you is- lifting your distress up to God. Their hearts bleed for you and you get to listen in. You are awed and overwhelmed and incredibly blessed by their love for you.
Just hearing their prayers brings a healing all of its’ own, and I have to cry. Sometimes I am on the other end of the phone and so they never know that what they just asked God to give me is exactly what I’ve been needing and fighting against all this time. Sometimes we are across the room from one another and when they finish my ‘tissue hunt’ begins and so they know. I use to abhor crying in front of people, now I’ve decided I really don’t need to hide so much. Sure you have to make yourself vulnerable to honestly confess your needs to someone or to really pray for someone but what do we gain by resisting this command of God? More importantly what do we loose? There is a fellowship in praying with someone, for someone, in finding out how much they hold in their heart for you. As we close our time together my heart is blessed beyond measure. And then I have to wonder …why did we wait so long?
Just hearing their prayers brings a healing all of its’ own, and I have to cry. Sometimes I am on the other end of the phone and so they never know that what they just asked God to give me is exactly what I’ve been needing and fighting against all this time. Sometimes we are across the room from one another and when they finish my ‘tissue hunt’ begins and so they know. I use to abhor crying in front of people, now I’ve decided I really don’t need to hide so much. Sure you have to make yourself vulnerable to honestly confess your needs to someone or to really pray for someone but what do we gain by resisting this command of God? More importantly what do we loose? There is a fellowship in praying with someone, for someone, in finding out how much they hold in their heart for you. As we close our time together my heart is blessed beyond measure. And then I have to wonder …why did we wait so long?
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